When Life is Perfect Pain

"We never are too old for this, my dear, because it is a play we are playing all the time in one way or another. Our burdens are here, our road is before us, and the longing for goodness and happiness is the guide that leads us through many troubles and mistakes to the peace which is a true Celestial City." -Little Women

Sometimes life is perfect, and sometimes life is painful but then there is perfect pain, when all is right excpet one thing and that one thing just isn't getting better.

My life is a dance of bliss and love....of morning cuddles, rain drops soaking into dry earth, gray sky sparkling silver, and little feet that live inside me kicking the drum beat of God's heart.

But then there's the river that runs underneath of me. A river that rushes and wont seem to stop, that knocks me off my feet, drags the breath out of my lungs and finds me whimpering on the floor.

For the past two months my dearest, lifelong, friend has been in the hospital fighting for her life. What should have been a common surgery has exhausted the brains and resources of her doctors and they

just

don't

know

why


she isn't getting any better. 

When I start to cry I try to think of the good times and the good times to come, whether in this world or somewhere on the other side of the veil. No matter what I WILL see my dear friend alive and well again I just pray that God doesn't decide to see her first. 

I try to think that she wouldn't want me to cry, that she would want me to laugh and smile and pray. She wouldn't want me to fret.

But it can be overwhelming this need to fret and this need to feel like I can control my life and hers. This need to think that because we are young

this

can't

happen.

We can't suffer and die. But we do. 

So every night, when life is still. When the dishes are done, when the children are sleeping, when my book has been set down.....I go through the labor pains of releasing and relaxing so I can let go of my will and give birth to God's.

Update: My dear, life long, best friend,  Heather Andrews, passed away on February 10th at 4:30 AM. She was literally the best person I ever knew and she will be our families angel until we see her again.